Thanks to Deborah Moskovitch for this great opportunity to tell the story of my own family divorce. I was just a little boy when it happened and it changed me forever. “It’s Never Too Late to Have a Good Childhood” — with Deborah Moskovitch.
Rob, His Family, and the Tree
Most people contemplating divorce don’t consider the sad reality that one of the parties may die while going through the process. When this does happen it results in chaos for the survivors. I’ve witnessed this several times during my practice, but one of the most poignant was early in my law career. I represented a young man with three children who rode a motorcycle to work every night. Rob worked the night shift as a machine technician at a local trade school. He was responsible for the necessary cleaning and repair of the machines that were used each day by the teachers and students. During the day, Rob happily packed lunches, took the children to school, and attended school functions.
He was married to a woman who wasn’t very interested in marriage or family. She was home at night while the kids were asleep, but spent that time entertaining various married boyfriends. During the day, she also had a very active social life. When the decision to divorce was made, she agreed that most of the property should be put in trust for the children, and that Rob would have physical custody. She also agreed to accommodate Rob’s work schedule by continuing to care for the children at night while they slept. But before we could finalize the divorce, Rob lost his life in a motorcycle accident on his way to work one night when he was cut off by a drunk driver and hit a tree.
Rob was a great father but he failed to prepare an estate plan. Despite my advice that he prepare an interim estate plan during the divorce process, he chose to wait – he believed that he had plenty of time. He had not taken his wife’s name off of his life insurance. She was the sole beneficiary. He had not taken her off his retirement and pension plan. She was still the joint tenant on the real estate, the vehicles, the bank accounts, free to use and spend everything any way she pleased.
Most of us act like we’re going to live forever, or like we can predict our death. We deny the truth. Statistics show that only half the lawyers who are married and have children also have an estate plan! That’s among a population that should be most informed and knowledgeable about the need. I do not know the statistics for the general public, but I know that most people have not made even the most basic arrangements for the allocation of their estate.
Don’t make the kind of mistake Rob made. His wife, not his children, inherited everything. Nothing was set aside to provide for the children and she probably squandered it all as she continued the self-indulgent lifestyle that ended her marriage. Act now to ensure that your assets are protected and go to the right people. We are here to assist and support you. We can help you set up a plan, or make any changes that need to be made to an existing plan. Please let us know how we can help.
Best wishes,
Ronald M. Supancic, CFLS
Gray Divorce
By Ty Supancic, Esq.
When people ask about our client demographic they’re always surprised to learn that about a third of our divorce clients are seniors. Some are ending short-term second, third, and fourth marriages, but many are dissolving marriages longer than 25 years. I’d like to think the high number of seniors is a testament to their maturity and wisdom – after all, the majority of our clients are attracted by our pioneering work in Consensual Dispute Resolution – but the truth is, divorce among seniors is on the rise, so much so that it’s given rise to the term “gray divorce.”
According to the CDC, the divorce rate among people over 50 has more than doubled since 1990. Experts suggest that is because divorce currently lacks the social stigma which traditionally surrounded it. If social stigma were the predominant factor, one would expect overall divorce rates to increase, but divorce in general has decreased over the last decade.
Many believe the reason for the increasing numbers of divorcing seniors is longevity. A generation ago people could expect to die shortly after retiring. Today, even if most people can’t afford to retire, they may expect to live for another 25 -30 years beyond 50. One of my clients observed, “I’ve been unhappy for the last 30 years; I don’t want to be unhappy for the next 30.”
I suggest that one reason divorces are in decline is the new understanding that most marriages can be saved if the parties are willing to work on communication skills – whether it be communication about important issues like finances or communication for intimacy’s sake.
After living with someone for 30+ years, it’s easy to find your relationship in a rut. Resources like the website Suddenly65.com are wonderful tools for new relationship ideas. And sometimes, the spark of something new is all it takes to put a couple back on the path towards working to strengthen their marriage. We also emphasize Conflict Avoidance Planning when we meet with couples contemplating marriage or divorce who are looking for a Prenuptial Agreement or Post-Nuptial Contract to keep their affairs in order.
These are some of the reasons The Law Collaborative encourages our clients to consider working with a communications coach or marriage counselor before making the life-changing decision to end a marriage.
The Law Collaborative supports marriage, we support families, and we support families during their transition if the marriage cannot be saved. We are pioneers in the creation and development of Conflict Avoidance Planning Tools. If you are interested in learning more about this, give us a call. (818) 348-6700.
Guess the leading cause of divorce?
Check this great NY Times article here:
When you’re done reading that, click here for more information regarding Prenuptial Agreements.
Finally – An Informative Newsletter Just For The Savvy Senior!
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| photo by mightymightymatze | via PhotoRee |
A fantastic newsletter has shown up on the internet. Suddenly65 is a weekly newsletter sent to those over age 60 in the greater SFV area (Burbank up to Westlake Village).
As appealing, fun, and informative as it is educational, it contains many interesting and undiscovered resources for seniors ranging from health and nutritional tips, restaurants that give senior discounts, entertainment venues that are reminiscent and also fresh, senior exercise information, products and services, and so much more. It even includes sentimental YouTube videos as well as any scams targeting seniors.
Check it out today: Suddenly 65
Ty Supancic, Esq. – Avvo Rated Estate Planning Attorney
I’m very proud of my son and associate, Ty Supancic, Esquire. Ty has an Estate Planning practice, which includes Wills, Trusts, Asset Protection, and Gun Trusts. He also practices in all areas of Family Law with an emphasis on Mediation, and he continues to represent Artists from his days in the Entertainment Industry.
–Ron Supancic
The Five Pillars of Marital Success
Relationship experts tell us that there are five pillars which can support a healthy marriage, but not all marriages have all five pillars supporting them. Four or five strong pillars can support a relationship that will last the age. But if a relationship has only one or two strong pillars and the others are weak, the marriage might not survive the ravages of time. During the honeymoon period when the weather is fair, the marriage stands tall — but when stormy weather comes, when the winds start blowing and there’s been some erosion, the whole structure might come tumbling down.
Before people get married they should assess their pillars. Couples already married can shore up their pillars. People can make an effort to stay in shape and preserve the first pillar, they can write budgets and meet with financial advisors to shore up the second. They can agree to compromise on going out Saturday night. They can read books together. They can learn to accept the other’s spiritual journey. Knowing that the pillars exist is the first step, assessing and working on them comes next and takes time.
Voted a 2012 Super Lawyer
I am proud and honored to once again be recognized by my peers as a California State “Super Lawyer”. Here’s to 2013!
Recognized for Excellence and Achievements by the Legal Community.
Disengage from Conflict
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The Dalai Lama was asked what human trait he found to be most baffling. He replied that he was mystified that Man, “sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
~ Dalai Lama XIV
That is an accurate description of Man as Machine. Humankind, as programmed by media, by upbringing, by circumstance, to strive rather than to abide. This is the way that most of us live. It’s what war is all about, and progress too. What a conundrum. Where does consciousness fit in to our lives, so that we may make peace instead of war, and make progress as well?
Let’s start with the psychological term, ‘projection.’ A wise man explained to me that projection is when we see our own mostly negative qualities, problematic issues, or challenges in another person. It’s called Projection, “because it’s like having a light on your forehead that shines” our own injurious, unmindful material, onto that other person. Then we feel angry or hurt, and blame that person for causing our pain. Our projection does not come from anything that person may have done – it comes from us, from our own unconscious. When we are in the grip of projection, we refuse to take responsibility for our own ‘stuff.’
Projection is, unfortunately, alive and well before, during and after divorce. Projection can even cause divorce. How is this possible? Projection interferes with relationships because, when it occurs, it is impossible for the person in it’s thrall to take responsibility for owning the negative material. We cannot claim to be conscious, and ‘adult,’ while refusing to take responsibility for Projection.
This month, l am going to try an experiment. On a daily basis, when a conflict arises, I am going to attempt to keep my projections at bay, to disengage them from play. If I find myself judging, suspecting or accusing another person, instead of voicing that negative and giving it life, I am going to ask myself how that negative might apply directly to me – what does such a thought have to say about my own motives? If I am judging another as greedy, am I myself actually feeling avaricious, or miserly, grudging or impoverished or jealous? Will I then take responsibility for that feeling and own my responses to it? That is probably the most important and challenging part of the experiment. Admitting fault, even to ourselves, makes us feel vulnerable and unmoored, but more importantly, it exposes the conflict for what it is and enables resolution.
If you decide to join my experiment, please let me know.
